Type O Negative - "September Sun" SPV Records

Great band. Amazing meaning

Ephel Duath - Hole V

an amazing experimental band from Italy. every song has a different sound to it. almost like a different band. well anyways. love it/hate it, but its still amazing art.

my tale

so lets start from the beginning. I was adopted before I was 1 year old by my mother who was single at the time. a little while later she met my father and they got married. my father was never into the whole "dad" thing, so I never got to do the things that a normal boy would do with his father.

He was very stern and never let me leave the house so making friends early on was not the easiest thing to do.

The only real "sanctuary" that I had was MT. Tam and my bike. I would spend hours and hours riding aimlessly on that mountain just to see where I would end up. I always would bump into this group of guys who include Jason, Mitch, Germ, will and rob. I looked up to germ and jason like my fathers. we would talk and talk about things in our life and how we worked through them. (keep in mind j and G are in their early 40's). these were my friends.

About six years ago after some major issues in the house, my mom and dad separated.

a year or so later my mom had a great idea to send me to boarding school in arizona. I did not refuse because I knew that it would just mean more stress in my mom.

i spent my freshman summer and sophmore year there. while I may not have liked it there I really did grow up. living with people you don't like, teaches you how to deal with things and grow up. I learned structure and responsibility. The hardest part of it all was knowing that the world back home was continuing.

I had many nights of crying myself to sleep and feeling abandoned. being stuck in a desert with 94 other kids 24/7 and never really getting to go anywhere, gets to your head pretty bad after a couple of months.

I came to terms with a lot of things that I never wanted to accept about myself.

coming back to my town was a very strange feeling. It was very hard to get back into the loop with friends for the first 5 months. at this point I HATED life. it's like the imprint that I left behind had been completely erased.

so that whole year was full of death metal, cigarettes and sneaking into local bars. during that year I went through a lot of emotional walls that were mostly of anger.

I was a very angry person. I looked for any excuse to get into a rage. even at home mom would have to call the cops on occasion because I would rampage.

It was an easy way for me to release.

I hated the feeling of my rage. sometimes I would end up scaring myself more than others. I would get to that point where I could see the edge.

I became terrified of what I was capable of.

I knew this had to change.

My senior year was much better. I had made my mark once again (not the best but something to work with). I began making my old friends my new friends all over again. I found a new burning passion in my riding and lifting which kept my mind off of the negative.

I got a job working at the Vitamin Shoppe in corte madera selling supplements. (it's what i'm good at)

I met a beautiful girl, or should I say woman (she's 25) at the gym one day and we hit it off instantly. If any of you know me well then you would be aware that I love girls with tats and piercings. This chick is COVERED!! ahaha we will call her EM for now. so we would always meet up and workout together and then go get coffee. as time went on we started to hangout downtown taking walks in the park and going to see movies and going on hikes together. we got each other. we always ended up talking about deep stuff that has affected our lives and stuff we never tell others, such as insecurities and what not. after a few weeks of this I decided to tell her how I felt. I feel that it is better to tell someone how you feel earlier on so no one gets hurt as bad.

she ended up just wanting to be friends.

we still would hang out and shoot the shit like always but it was never the same. as many of you have felt before, I truly hurts more than anything to get so close to someone and develop feelings for them but then have them turn around and say it can never be.

we would hang out and have a good time but after I would become depressed that we weren't something more. It was getting so bad that I didn't even want to leave the house or anything. It hurt to bad. I found myself thinking about her at the most random of times such as seeing a cup of coffee or the type of car she drives or when I would walk through the doors of the gym. I have decided to cut off contact with her so there will be no more self torture. we cant be friends because of how much I care for her. It's toxic for me.

That brings me to near the current moment

this is just scratching the surface, so if you want more fun stories please email me @ loyalmatt@gmail.com